I'd like to say I'm different, but I'm not. I can't pretend to hold my head up high. In the process of being my own person, I've come to find that most of the characteristics of that person fit someone I would never want in my life. I've painted a picture of everything I am, and the colors are all wrong. The shadows far outweigh the light. I am defenseless. I am selfish. In a world of lost souls, my face has been on the milk carton for such a long time. I am everything I despise. I am cruel. My heart is now hard to everything. I am a hypocrite. Out of a million faces, mine has a facade that would surprise many. Whatever the intentions, I am me. And right now, me, is something I am not too proud of. Ashamed, actually. I've dug my own hole. And all that digging has made me dirtier than you want you know.
You laugh, but there is no F5 button in life. Or apple, F, if you're one of those mac users like me. There is no refreshing this page in my life. I can't go back and enjoy the parts of the story that are gone, and I can't turn the page. What's done is done. I can say that to anyone who comes across my path, yet in my own life cannot seem to grasp that concept. And the same things that my heart is crying for... The few things that it is desperate to know... They will just have to wait. It's about time for me to step back. Either things will be, or they won't. There's nothing more I can do. I've spent enough nights crying into a pillow because of my fear of the future. I've spent enough days with a heavy heart because I can't do things right. And along those lines, I've spent too much time wishing other people could just get it together. I have to get myself together. Things are what they are. Disappointment happens, so does disillusionment. My feet are ten feet off the ground, and I guess it's time for them to come down. I spend too much time "what-if?"ing. Smiles will come again.
Things are being put on the back burner. Things I'd rather throw right into the fire and face this very second of this very day. But I can only put so much effort into certain things. After a while of trying your very hardest, and all on your own, sometimes what you need is to let it go. If it fades, then that's what it would have done all along. And if all those dreams never happen, I guess I'll have to dream something new. Oh, but just try and tell that to my heart. I have waited before. It didn't kill me, so I guess I'll wait again. But what a bloody battle this waiting business is.
a million faces
and we're taking it to the grave.
but after all, I guess He knows.
