the longest shadows ever cast

I drove up to the mountains last night.

just to stare down at the city lights and think. about life. about love. about plans. about everything God's taking out of my hands.

I thought about all the places I've been, and all the places I'll go. I thought about the mistakes I've made, and all the ones I've yet to learn from. I thought about the hurt, the anger, the confusion the last 5 months have been. 5 months of praying and fighting for everything. I thought about how hard it was to wait. I thought about how even after everything's gone, I'm still waiting. Waiting for a conversation that is apparently of no value to anyone but me.

And for the first time in my entire life, I was mad at God. Angry that all the loyalty and trust and love I had to give were thrown away. Angry that all I feel at all now is used.

And in a split second, I realized the hypocrisy of a broken heart's complaints. We do the same thing to Him. Over and over again we throw Him away. Over and over again He tries to win us back and tries to show us something worth fighting for, and we abandon Him.

It was the longest drive home.