Kind of a semi-update
This Christmas was just a strange one. I spent most of the day in the hospital with my grandfather. The rest of the time yesterday I spent calming family members, running out to get more food or needed things, sitting in absolute silence with the older cousins, or playing jedi knights with the younger ones, roll-eating contests, guitar hero standoffs, laughing at Nick because he's left handed and was ironically winning anyway, musical poppers, drawplay, and just missing certain people.
Christmas presents are always a funny thing in my family. We try to hard to get each other fun and special things, and it either works out really well, or ends badly. Having Nat home from England was nice too. They already went home this morning, but it's nice knowing I can see him more often. I guess I've hit that age where it's not as weird to hang out with my cousins. I always felt out of place before, but now that Dylan Bodhi's been born, Sarah and I are the middle cousins, so we're having fun too. So it's kind of like having a little sister, which is nice since I never got the chance before.
It was the first Christmas I've spent without seeing or talking to my nana. It kills me thinking about spending last Christmas with her and how fast her health went through this year. I do miss her, but in strange ways. Since we lived far away she had never been a part of my everyday life, so I guess missing her in particular comes in waves.
One second I'm up, the next I'm down. Yes, part of it is that lovely mentality we girls are blessed with, but I guess sometimes my depression just seeps through the cracks. I try so hard to stick it all together, and it's a bit disheartening to have everything fall apart the second the status quo starts to look up. It's hard to watch my family go through this. It's hard to put on a smile and be the strong one when I feel like the weakest. But that's life, and my family needs me.
I'm sick of thinking about the past. It hurts too much thinking of all the ways things used to be. When my grandparents were all alive and healthy. When life was still complicated, but in a much simpler way. It's not going to last long, but for as long as I have it in me, I just need to suck it up and forget about the way things used to be. But then I also need to stop thinking about the future too. What comes will come and as many prayers and wishes as I have, I really don't have much of a say in the matter. God knows what's on my heart and that is enough. I'm trying to have faith in the fact that everything will be okay, because you know, it really will be okay. But it's the route to getting to "okay" that scares me to death.
