viva la vida.

first time i've been on the computer in a few days.

it feels good to be so busy i don't even want to open up my macbook.

So basically, I just walked in the door, and I'm figuring that seeing as I have a million things to do and must awaken by 6 a.m., I should probably just stay up. So here's me, passing a little time and answering the call of the blogger. 

Apparently it's Father's Day... that's what I'm told. This year isn't much different in the sense that I still don't have the dad I lost 8 and a half years ago. And I mean, it's not like the day makes me break out into hysterics every time I see a dad on a commercial or hugging their kid. But every year this whole entire day just makes my heart sink a bit. In every way, I have done well for myself- because my mother taught me to. My mother is a great deal deserving of a "Happy Father's Day" herself for all the double shifts she's had to pull as a parent throughout the years. Putting up with me could've in no way been easy, trust me. But every year the loss of a father tugs at my heart a little more. All the opportunities I don't get to experience. All the moments I needed and will need a dad and not a mom. 

I guess it really hit me when we were all driving out to the middle of nowhere and a friend mentioned a certain chapel at my school during our sophomore year. It is one of the few I remember every single word of, and oddly enough, I didn't even know I remembered it until tonight. I can remember sitting there, in a row of girls, with the speaker hovering over me, as if he knew everything about me, talking about the effects not having a dad can have on an individual, especially a girl. When he said that they have a harder time emotionally, I laughed. When he said they were more likely to be less protective of themselves, I shook my head. When he said that they were more likely to compromise themselves for the attention of a man near to them because they needed it, I rolled my eyes. And then tonight, I thought over everything I had so abruptly laughed at. Everything I passed off. And in no way am I excusing the things I've done because of my dad's suicide, but they were all true. Everything and more. I don't know if I've ever been more ashamed. I could care less about making a father proud that abandoned my mother and I years ago.... But it hit me so hard that after losing a father, a protective figure in my life, I did not bother to do more to guard my heart and myself from a few things. I know my dad would have been proud of me had he been alive today, but he would've shaken some sense into me a few too many times to count.  So in that respect, I guess I miss my father more than ever this year. Maybe not my father, but just.... having a father, a dad. I was so certain that the chapel speaker was wrong, mistaken, using ridiculous stereotypes. Ironically 2 years later, I found that everything he said was a chance of happening, did, and now I'm stuck on mistakes.

I really do not want to dwell on things today, in fact I'm trying so hard not to cry and just mope around because it really can't do anything. Luckily, I am blessed enough to have a grandfather who has been not only that, but a father and best friend to me as well. He is the only person left in this world that I trust completely and entirely and in my heart I know that for the rest of his life he will never let me or my family down. He was and is everything a father and guardian ought to be to his children and it is something that never fails to be seen by his grandchildren. If I get married, I know I will settle for nothing less than a man who can be as dedicated and protective as my grandpa. 

In all seriousness though, I know that I am not alone in not having a father figure in my life. I am one of many. I don't want a pity party, my dad is gone and it is what it is. I have his eyes, his running obsession, his freckles, his depression, & and his love of fast cars and photography. I don't have him, but I have a lot left. I guess at times, I just want someone to hold me tight and wait through Father's Day with me until it fades into another day. Sometimes I just want someone to remember that it's hard to smile and deal, someone to check in on me, to wrap me in their arms and tell me that I turned out pretty damn good anyway.

In my life, there is nothing I would change. It's extremely hard to say because I have suffered a few losses that have had a tremendous effect on my heart, but in all honesty, I can do nothing, I can change nothing. All I am able to do is pick up and keep trying. I'm learning that that's life. Forget the dream life we all had as children.... I will be an adult in 2 months and 1 day. It's high time I accept that nothing goes the way we picture it. God uses pain and loss to teach us and mold us into who we are supposed to be. It makes the lessons hard, but for a stubborn heart like myself, I suppose that's truly the only way to get through to me. 

Three times, my heart's been broken and today is a reminder of the first. I'm beginning to think I have abandonment issues.

[two more days until that beautiful album comes out. i guess that's one thing to look forward to.]